The Week in Tory

Serious Black, Donnerstag, 27. Januar 2022, 14:37 (vor 838 Tagen) @ Serious Black

I'm rushing out an interim #TheWeekInTory cos... damn

1. The sleaze watchdog said Johnson escaping the sack for his earlier £142k decorating corruption was "bonkers"

2. During that week's ludicrous scandal, he’d told parliament he'd never even met the wallpaper lady

3. He'd met wallpaper lady during the cause of this week's ludicrous scandal: his birthday party during lockdown

4. On the day of that shindig, the PM wrote a letter a 7-year-old telling her she was right not to have a birthday party, but still claims he didn't know the rules

5. Johnson said his bash wasn’t a even party, just 30 pals, singing happy birthday, drinking, breaking all the guidelines, and being ambushed by cakes

6. Anyway, he said only his essential work-bubble had attended

7. "Work-bubbles" never existed. That’s not a thing

8. And that “work-bubble” seemed to include his wife, his favourite interior designer, and a passing make-up artist. And Rishi Sunak

9. Sadly, for the 2938th time, his barber couldn’t make it

10. Yet another former Tory minister breached rules over lobbying and Covid contracts

11. A report found after 12 years and £14 billion of implementation costs, Universal Credit still isn’t fit for purpose

12. Another report found the govt’s Help to Buy scheme to fix the housing crisis wasted £29 billion and made the housing crisis even worse

13. Playmobil chancellor Rishi Sunak wrote off £4.3 billion in fraud

14. So Nadine Dorries, a beef-witted, one-woman riot of idiocy, scrapped funding for kids TV cos we don’t have any money left. Nnng!

15. And the minister for tackling fraud resigned cos there's too much fraud

16. Dominic Raab confirmed to journalists that ministers - including the PM - must resign if they break the law or lie to parliament

17. Journalists asked him if that meant Johnson should resign if he was found to have done those things

18. Raab said no, of course not

19. Johnson confirmed the govt would publish all of Sue Gray’s report

20. Raab said they wouldn’t

21. Downing St said they would

22. Johnson said it would just be highlights

23. Downing St said it would be most of it

24. Raab said it might be redacted

25. No 10 said it might just be an executive summary of all their misconduct, because the full report might be too long

26. Yeah mate, I know the feeling.

27. Johnson said publication would be "on the basis previously stated", which by now could mean literally anything

28. And then the police rocked up

29. So the UK had now reached the stage where our govt was grateful to be facing criminal investigations, cos it gave Johnson an excuse to delay Sue Gray

30. Police said there was no reason to delay Sue Gray

31. The govt said Oh fuck

32. Feral gonad Sajid Javid told Radio4 that Tory inconsistencies were damaging democracy

33. Radio4 asked him if he’d just admitted Tory inconsistencies were damaging democracy

34. He immediately denied he’d said it. Literally the next sentence

35. Then the Tories had to launch an official investigation into their own Islamophobia

36. And, look, I hate to break this to you, but this thread has still only reached TUESDAY

[Crack a bottle or do some primal screaming, and then let's press on]

37. On Wed Johnson told parliament he hadn’t lied, and we have the fastest growing economy in G7

38. Half the G7 is growing faster than us

39. So that was a lie to parliament about a lie to parliament, to detract from another lie to parliament. The famed bullshit turducken!

40. In December Johnson said it was "absolute nonsense" that he’d intervened to prioritise the evacuation of dogs from Afghanistan over the rescue of humans

41. This week an email showed he’d personally intervened

42. Raab said the email didn't exist, while reading from it

43. Jacob Rees-Mogg, who looks like somebody made the Microsoft Paperclip stand to attention, said "My experience is very few people lie in public life"

44. In-house Tory jazz-mag The Spectator called JRM "laughable" and the Tory Reform Group called him "irresponsible"

45. But only 3 days into the week, the only ministers still prepared to defend the PM are laughable bassoon JRM, and the exuberantly stupid flapdoodle Nadine Dorries

46. And this week's really big bag of insane bollocks is still to come

https://twitter.com/RussInCheshire/status/1486687216520867848