The Week in Tory

Serious Black, Mittwoch, 02. Februar 2022, 09:52 (vor 817 Tagen) @ Serious Black

Oh, I should point out, this is just since 9am Monday. Perhaps #TheWeekInTory is a misnomer

1. Our PM, Sir Plankton Churchill, cancelled a call to Putin so he could go to parliament and tell them he must focus on phoning Putin

2. Theresa May, a tin seabird that’s swallowed a kazoo, asked Johnson whether he was too thick to understand the rules, or too corrupt to care

3. Andrew Mitchell became the 2nd long-term Johnson supporter to tell him to go and spend more time with his family. Or somebody else’s. Boris isn’t picky.

4. Because Johnson had quite obviously lied to parliament, he covered up by [checks notes] lying to parliament some more

5. Johnson said he’d got “all the big calls right”. Oh, is that right pal?

6. An Imperial College study says his delayed first lockdown cost 20,000 lives

7. It found he prioritised 2020 Christmas over public safety, and as a result 80,000 more people died by Feb 2021

8. Johnson accused Labour frontbenchers of having a drug problem, seemingly forgetting he works with shite in sheep’s clothing Michael Gove

9. He accused Starmer of letting off Jimmy Savile, which is a lie so big even the speaker rebuked Johnson – albeit 24 hours too late

10. Johnson claimed we had the fastest growing economy in G7: we’re 6th

11. He said crime was down 14%: it’s up 14%

12. He said he’d “got Brexit done”, just before the constitutionally slack-brained Liz Truss headed off to continue negotiating the supposedly "done" Brexit

13. Truss promised Brexit will all be sorted in a month

14. She had also promised that in 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, 2020 and 2021

15. Truss was given a direct quote from the Sue Gray report, and refused to discuss it because “I won’t comment on hypotheticals”

16. Truss also sat unmasked for an hour next to the entire cabinet in parliament, and then told them she had Covid

17. She was sat immediately next to Priti Patel, Miss Trunchbull in larval form, and I don’t fancy Truss’s chances if “Razors” Patel gets poorly cos of this

18. Straight after that, Johnson piled into a room with 365 Tories and a few trillion Covid particles, to tell maskless MPs he takes the pandemic seriously

19. He reassured MPs his old campaigner Lynton Crosby was coming back to fix shit

20. Crosby said he’s not taking the job

21. And then up rocked the ethereally gormless Nadine Dorries, seemingly dragged in front of the cameras fresh from a fight outside a flat-roofed pub, and bizarrely claiming “The PM does not tell lies”

22. She said a quote directly from the Gray report was “pure conjecture”

23. 2/3 of voters want Johnson to resign

24. 83% think he broke rules

25. 75% think he’s a liar

26. Presumably Tory MPs think this is all just fine and dandy, cos they still haven’t ousted him

27. Not all though: Angela Richardson, aide to Michael Gove, resigned in disgust

28. Tory MP Peter Aldous called on the PM to resign

29. Tory MP Tom Hunt said Johnson's story is not “acceptable, excusable or defensible”

30. Other Tory MP quotes:

31. The entire party "is fucking deluded”

32. “Boris still things this is all a game”

33. Johnson is “a bastard [who will] do anything to wriggle off the hook”

34. “I have to say, isn’t the PM just fucking awful?”

35. “He’s dead, we’re just waiting for the coroner”

36. “I am currently in Europe and can report the PM is turning our country into a laughingstock”

37. Sue Gray said there was a culture of excessive drinking in Downing St

38. Oliver Dowden, Tory Chairman and adenoidal Morph cosplayer, said the PM is “committed to tacking the underlying culture” of everybody getting pissed whilst driving a country

39. Johnson is on record saying “I drink an awful lot at lunch”

40. Gavin Barwell said drinking didn’t happen under Cameron or May, so the "underlying culture" is basically Johnson

41. So an whole new govt dept is being formed to try to stop the PM getting pissed and fucking up

42. Other news: Michael Gove’s forthcoming epoch-making “Levelling Up” policy promises less money than Tories have cut *just since 2020*

43. His other main idea - and I use that word quite wrongly - is that people from poor areas should not to move to London to find better jobs

44.You have to get 200 pages into the Dept of Health annual report before you find where they hid the fact they’d wasted £8.7 bn of their £12 bn PPE orders

45.That’s the same as a stack of £10 notes 60 miles high, maths fans

46. And they published a 100-page booklet on the benefits of Brexit

47. It says we can now create freeports, which we could before Brexit

48. It says we can now cut plastic bags, which we could before Brexit

49. It says we can now add crown marks to pint glasses, which we could before Brexit

50. And it says we can have blue passports, which we could before Brexit

51. And that’s it. For £800 million a week.

https://twitter.com/RussInCheshire/status/1488560827569475592